Some of us carry that ugly, dark “unforgivable sin”. You know the “one”, that if your Christian friends knew, they would turn there backs in rejection. That sin, that you are afraid to reveal to your enemies, because they will mock you, and laugh at your hypocrisy. Yes, that sin that causes you anxiety at night, because only if you can keep it hidden, you can pretend that it never happened.
I lived like that for years, until one day, while pregnant with my son, the Lord woke me up in the late night hours and gave me clear instructions on how to handle “my secret”.
His guiding light, and loving still voice spoke to the depths of my heart, and He said, “Tell them”. “Tell them, what you did, my beloved, and be set free from the lies of satan.” “I will give you peace, I have restored you for a purpose.”
A couple of days later, I wobbled my pregnant self right into the doors of a friend’s home, for a women’s bible study that I had been attending.
Before we started, I stood in her open kitchen, before 10-12 women and poured out my heart.
I told them of what I had done in the past, and how God told me to tell them, so that I could be set free from the whispers of satan over this area in my life.
Something happened, after I looked those women in the eyes with my truth. I saw forgiveness, compassion, understanding and most importantly, I was being set free from bondage.
I drove home that night, with the chains of shame left at the feet of Jesus. I felt an overwhelming gratefulness, and I cried in gratitude for the forgiveness of God, for Him providing a loving outlet in a community of once broken women, and for giving me an avenue to shut out the voices of the enemy.
I felt ALIVE again, like the first time I accepted the salvation of Christ in my younger years. Before the “backsliding”, before the path of destruction and before that “sin”.
Because of my broken past, and my freedom in the mystery of His grace and relentless love, I am set free to walk in the purpose of my Creator. I am able to reach out to other women, and show them the depths of compassion, and truth found in a heavenly Father that will pursue and heal the broke insides of our fractured hearts.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
My purpose is to imperfectly display the love and glory of a perfect God, through reaching out to people that I cross paths with in my journey on this earth.
To the stranger I smiled to, at the grocery store, that needed a compassionate listener, so that he could tell about his anxiety over a job loss and the burdens of providing for his family.
To the little girl I met in my daughter’s past kindergarten class, that needed life spoken to her, for someone to tell her, she is important, and that her “bad’ actions that she uses as a cry for attention, can be met by Jesus even when she’s alone at home
Or to the lonely sweet old lady that needed someone to be interested in her day, so she can later go and thank God for sending someone in the form of a stranger, that cared about the little parts of her day in the garden.
Or the bitter complainer on Facebook that needs to know she is worthy of grace, and needed to see a message of encouragement in her inbox.
These people needed love, compassion, and understanding. They needed Jesus, and the Lord used me, a person once a slave to her sins, to teach them the truth, in His unending grace so that they may be converted to Him.
Psalm 51:12-17 tells my story
“Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners shall be converted to You.
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, The God of my salvation, And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips, And my mouth shall show forth Your praise. For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and contrite heart- These, O God, You will not despise.
REFLECTIONS: Looking back, God had already forgiven me, when I had asked for it years before, but similar to most people, after the act of sin, we have a hard time forgiving ourselves. We sometimes walk in a false shame and carry the weight of our transgressions, when we don’t have to. Victory is ours and the sting of death was taken from us on that cross, and oh the precious blood of our Jesus poured out for us and made a way.
He has restored me for a purpose, to be used to help others know Him.
See satan likes to take our dirty little secrets, the ones that we’re afraid for people to know, and uses those to hold us in darkness. To stop us from the purpose God created us for. Don’t give the enemy a voice, bring your sin into the light of a radiant Jesus.
“I sought the Lord, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed.”