“Why do I need, You Lord?”
“What can You do for me?”
Those were the two questions my heart was crying out to the Lord, in my emotional hurt, disappointment, anger and unmet expectations, on a breezy summer evening, while I was driving home.
God was silent; I didn’t hear anything, just the sound of my broken heart’s cry.
I was feeling defeated, empty, and I was drowning in a sea of emotional turmoil.
I asked again, the next day, “Why do I need You?” and “What can You do for me?”
Again, I was met with silence. I became desperate, and begin to demand a response from Him.
This routine, continued for a week. I was practically shouting those questions from the depths of my soul from frustration, and I was repeatedly met with silence.
My unmet expectations of God, and His silence, was causing me to become bitter towards Him, and with life.
“So there”, I thought to myself, “I am done with Him.”
I was ready to walk this life, doing whatever I wanted according to my feelings. Besides, if He wasn’t going to listen to me, than I was going to abandon Him, and not listen. (How foolish of me, to think, that I can “abandon” God).
It was now the end of that week. I arranged plans with a dear friend to meet at the neighborhood pool, with her two daughters and my then 3 year old daughter (today my daughter is 7).
Although, those two questions were still lingering in my heart, I was still going to attempt to drown them out, by basking in the summer sunshine, the cool water of the pool and time with my daughter and friend.
Once there, at the pool, I was able to have an enjoyable time, and purposely decided to forget about those questions.
Now, there came a time, which we started to play a game and I was tossing all three little girls (with life jackets) up in the air, is when my then, 3 year old daughter became upset.
She became jealous, and only wanted her mommy, to toss her, and according to an upset 3 year old, it wasn’t “fair” that she had to wait her turn to be toss.
She became angry that I didn’t respond to her demand, and decided to get my attention, by getting out of the pool and removing her life preserver vest.
I took a quick dip under and when I came up, from the water, I notice my daughters’ life preserver vest and arm floats, floating in the water, but I didn’t see her.
Panicked, my eyes, searched to the edge of the pool, and there she was about to jump into the 4 feet of water, not knowing how to swim.
We made eye contact and I screamed, a bloodcurdling, “Jesus, NOOOO, don’t jump-“, and before I could finish my statement, I watched in horror as she leaped into the pool, to retrieve her floating devices.
She went underwater and quickly sprang up. No one seemed to notice this happening, but me.
I swam as fast as I could and as she started to go back underneath the pool water, I was able to grab her by the waste and snatch her up, before she sank.
Well, with all this going on, those two “lingering” questions, were the very last thought on my mind.
However, in that very moment, with all the chaos, my heart pounding a million times an hour, and everyone staring, God’s quiet still, voice broke inside the depths of my heart with waves of reassurance.
He answered and said, “That is why you need me, because without Me, you will drown.” ” Don’t you see beloved, I am your life jacket and without Me, you. will. drown.”
He is my safety.
Although my world was spinning, God calmed my soul and boldly answered my heart’s questions in a moment of complete pandemonium.
Needless to say, my daughter was terrified, and received a little “hard” love, when we got home.
My daughter’s and I stories parallel each other.
During her moment of frustration and anger with me, she decided to remove her life preserver vest and dive into the water. She would have drowned, on her own, without my help, the parent. After, I calmed down, I told her, “Never take off your life jacket, while were at the pool.”
Just like my angry little 3 year old daughter, I decided to remove, the only safety net, secured promise in this life, which is Him.
My Father snatched me from the deep waters of myself and saved me. He gently and loving, told me to keep my “Life Jacket”, and not to face the open waters of life without Him.
I wish I could stand and say, “That was the last time I’ve ever doubted and questioned my heavenly Father, because of unmet expectations.”, because it’s not.
I’m being honest. I have been annoyed and frustrated with Him all over again.
However, in those times of emotional valleys, I don’t let that dictate His truths and His promises. I don’t “storm off”, I press in. I press into Him, and sometimes wrestle like Jacob.
He still remains my Rock and washes over my soul with powerful waves of security.
Like in Psalm 18:16 “He reached down on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.”
I am in His everlasting grip. I am SAFE!